We all have a reason to smile in the November Rain - we can all get a free soda. And not just any soda - one of the best sodas - Dr. Pepper.
Dr. Pepper announced they will be issuing coupons for a free 20 oz. beverage to make good on their word that everyone would get a soda if Guns n Roses dropped their album in 2008.
Check it out: http://news.yahoo.com/s/eonline/20081024/en_music_eo/65504
And as a side note, when did dirty Axl Rose start looking more like Carrot Top? The down and dirty, leather wearing, long hair screamer from the past is back as a middle age man with some weight to him. This just totally ruins the mental image I have every time I roller skate to Paradise City. Oh wait....I'm just a married, pregnant chic now (Oh, Sweet Child 'O Mine).....I guess long gone are my days of ripped jeans and body suits. I guess I haven't roller skated to Paradise City since Axl paired red bandannas with leather pants.
Welcome to the jungle....we've got fun and games....and free Dr. Peppers!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
The Birds, The Birds
There is a problem at my place of employment. The problem is so huge, in fact, that a special taskforce with the Office of the Physical Plant that has been charged with correcting this problem.
Crows. That's right - crows are apparently taking over. (Hitchcock would be proud and highly amused, I'm sure). I get an email yesterday informing all employees of the procedures involved in "relocating" the birds.
It's not funny that we have a bird problem. It's not funny that they are relocating the birds. What is funny is imagining the taskforce doing what they must do to get the birds to relocate. This amazing group will hence be fondly referred to (by me) as CRAs - Crow Relocation Assistants.
The charge to the CRA is to relocate the crows. The methods of relocation include (as quoted from the official email from my employer):
1. The use of pyrotechnic noisemakers called "bangers" and "screamers" by carefully trained employees.
2. The hanging of dead crow effigies to dissuade the crows from returning.
3. The declaration of "non-roosting" zones in designated areas to promote more sanitary conditions.
At first, this email frightened me as I imagined large fireworks freaking out large flocks of crows that will decide to re-roost, no doubt, on my car. To escape them, I must run across campus (to find a phone booth to hide in, of course) past all of the hanging crow carcasses. Once I receive an email, (hmmm....how will I get the email in my phone booth hideout?) I can find comfort in leisurely walking through a new crow free zone including a slew of "No Roosting" signs - those signs oughta scare 'em off.
I'm waiting for the second phase of the taskforce - the CTP (Crow Ticketing Patrol) to issue tickets to those unruly crows that dare disregard our No Roosting areas. Shame, crows, shame!
After my initial 2.7 seconds of fright, the entire situation became much more amusing. I found myself jealous. Not of these wonderfully trained CRA agents - no, no, no. I was extremely jealous of the employee that was fortunate enough to generate this mass email. They were charged with making a group of crow scarer-off'ers with loud fireworks running around town hanging up dead crows from trees sound like a professional group instead of a group of drunk students on Halloween weekend. Bravo, writer-upper of the mass email - you've successfully amused everyone.
And, by the way, what ever happened to a classic scarecrow? Isn't that their job? I guess he's in the unemployment line with most Americans - his job has been replaced. Or maybe he just quit. If I were a scarecrow and CRA's were around me with pyrotechnic bangers, I sure as hell would quit. I believe they call that a "hostile work environment".
Bye, Bye Blackbird!
Crows. That's right - crows are apparently taking over. (Hitchcock would be proud and highly amused, I'm sure). I get an email yesterday informing all employees of the procedures involved in "relocating" the birds.
It's not funny that we have a bird problem. It's not funny that they are relocating the birds. What is funny is imagining the taskforce doing what they must do to get the birds to relocate. This amazing group will hence be fondly referred to (by me) as CRAs - Crow Relocation Assistants.
The charge to the CRA is to relocate the crows. The methods of relocation include (as quoted from the official email from my employer):
1. The use of pyrotechnic noisemakers called "bangers" and "screamers" by carefully trained employees.
2. The hanging of dead crow effigies to dissuade the crows from returning.
3. The declaration of "non-roosting" zones in designated areas to promote more sanitary conditions.
At first, this email frightened me as I imagined large fireworks freaking out large flocks of crows that will decide to re-roost, no doubt, on my car. To escape them, I must run across campus (to find a phone booth to hide in, of course) past all of the hanging crow carcasses. Once I receive an email, (hmmm....how will I get the email in my phone booth hideout?) I can find comfort in leisurely walking through a new crow free zone including a slew of "No Roosting" signs - those signs oughta scare 'em off.
I'm waiting for the second phase of the taskforce - the CTP (Crow Ticketing Patrol) to issue tickets to those unruly crows that dare disregard our No Roosting areas. Shame, crows, shame!
After my initial 2.7 seconds of fright, the entire situation became much more amusing. I found myself jealous. Not of these wonderfully trained CRA agents - no, no, no. I was extremely jealous of the employee that was fortunate enough to generate this mass email. They were charged with making a group of crow scarer-off'ers with loud fireworks running around town hanging up dead crows from trees sound like a professional group instead of a group of drunk students on Halloween weekend. Bravo, writer-upper of the mass email - you've successfully amused everyone.
And, by the way, what ever happened to a classic scarecrow? Isn't that their job? I guess he's in the unemployment line with most Americans - his job has been replaced. Or maybe he just quit. If I were a scarecrow and CRA's were around me with pyrotechnic bangers, I sure as hell would quit. I believe they call that a "hostile work environment".
Bye, Bye Blackbird!
Friday, May 16, 2008
Just Get on the Floor and do the New Kids Dance
Don't worry 'bout nothing cuz it won't take long!
Yes, they've put me in a trance with a funky song. My childhood crushes have decided to reunite for a reunion tour. It has been 15 years since I cried over how beautiful Jordan Knight is and at least that long since I grabbed my belt buckle and swung my legs side to side to do "The Right Stuff" dance. Being a child of the late '80s and early '90s in a southern city suburb means that I was head over heels for New Kids on the Block. Recently they announced their reunion tour which includes a little of the old stuff and some of the new - but for me, it's all the right stuff. After discovering a news article about them, I launched myself into a mad search for all things NKOTB. I started humming "Popsicle" at work.....for those of you that missed those brilliant lyrics, it goes a little something like - "You're my popsicle. From the first time I met you girl, you captured me. Sweeter than candy, better than cake - and everytime we kiss it feels oh so great!" Seriously! Who wouldn't swoon hearing a boy sing this with notes higher than I can sing now. *Sigh*
I'm just giddy over the whole thing! The only bad part is all of my New Kids swag is gone (and likely too small anyway). Oh, how I miss my florescent colored hats and shirts proudly displaying which member of the boy band that I most desired (I will fight forever that Jordan was the best!). My only souvenirs are cassette tapes (from the self-titled album to Step by Step) and two VHS's that are somewhere at my parents house (crossing my fingers that they didn't jump into the last yard sale pile).
And here's one to bring a tear to your eye (or mine at least): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLhSHktuZGw
My Jordan professing his undying love to me - yep, just me. And you must check out the rat-tails on these guys! Wow!
Oh my NKOTB, You've got the right stuff, baby. Love the way you turn me on. And I sure do love the way you bring me to tears 15 years after I stalked you all.
I'll be loving you, New Kids on the Block, FOREVER!
Just get on the floor and do the New Kids Dance - elbow thrust to the right, elbow thrust to the left, pelvic thrust. Get loose everybody cuz they're going to do their thing!
Yes, they've put me in a trance with a funky song. My childhood crushes have decided to reunite for a reunion tour. It has been 15 years since I cried over how beautiful Jordan Knight is and at least that long since I grabbed my belt buckle and swung my legs side to side to do "The Right Stuff" dance. Being a child of the late '80s and early '90s in a southern city suburb means that I was head over heels for New Kids on the Block. Recently they announced their reunion tour which includes a little of the old stuff and some of the new - but for me, it's all the right stuff. After discovering a news article about them, I launched myself into a mad search for all things NKOTB. I started humming "Popsicle" at work.....for those of you that missed those brilliant lyrics, it goes a little something like - "You're my popsicle. From the first time I met you girl, you captured me. Sweeter than candy, better than cake - and everytime we kiss it feels oh so great!" Seriously! Who wouldn't swoon hearing a boy sing this with notes higher than I can sing now. *Sigh*
I'm just giddy over the whole thing! The only bad part is all of my New Kids swag is gone (and likely too small anyway). Oh, how I miss my florescent colored hats and shirts proudly displaying which member of the boy band that I most desired (I will fight forever that Jordan was the best!). My only souvenirs are cassette tapes (from the self-titled album to Step by Step) and two VHS's that are somewhere at my parents house (crossing my fingers that they didn't jump into the last yard sale pile).
And here's one to bring a tear to your eye (or mine at least): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLhSHktuZGw
My Jordan professing his undying love to me - yep, just me. And you must check out the rat-tails on these guys! Wow!
Oh my NKOTB, You've got the right stuff, baby. Love the way you turn me on. And I sure do love the way you bring me to tears 15 years after I stalked you all.
I'll be loving you, New Kids on the Block, FOREVER!
Just get on the floor and do the New Kids Dance - elbow thrust to the right, elbow thrust to the left, pelvic thrust. Get loose everybody cuz they're going to do their thing!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Cuz you had a bad day....
Everyone has had a bad day, right? Last week I was having the motherload of bad days and one thing after another kept blowing up in my face. At some point people are either driven to madness or just sit around and cry a river. I had a very different experience. After spilling coffee on my white sweater (which can thankfully be washed at work in the theatre laundry room), losing a UPS package, forgetting my cell phone, and numerous other little things, my level of frustration was so high that I was going to burst.
Then the phone rings.....
I'm talking with a student that has some random question (I was asked if I knew were a ladder was that someone could carry across town - what??). I tell her that I'll need to transfer her over to someone else and the line goes dead. At first I thought she'd hung up on me - how dare she! but then I realized that I was no longer attached to my phone. The entire phone cord fell out and I was left holding the handset of the phone. My frustration bubble popped when I started laughing....it was the icing on the cake.
And today I get to work and discover that someone took my good pen. I can tell already that I'm going to need something to blow up or fall down or break just to give me a good laugh today.
Blue skies are going to clear up......
Then the phone rings.....
I'm talking with a student that has some random question (I was asked if I knew were a ladder was that someone could carry across town - what??). I tell her that I'll need to transfer her over to someone else and the line goes dead. At first I thought she'd hung up on me - how dare she! but then I realized that I was no longer attached to my phone. The entire phone cord fell out and I was left holding the handset of the phone. My frustration bubble popped when I started laughing....it was the icing on the cake.
And today I get to work and discover that someone took my good pen. I can tell already that I'm going to need something to blow up or fall down or break just to give me a good laugh today.
Blue skies are going to clear up......
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
In Sync
I am indeed a horrible, miserable person.
This headline made me laugh hysterically:
"Teen Synchronized Swimmers Faint, at the Same Time"
Why, you may ask, is this funny? More importantly, why do I feel guilty for laughing? (If you were asking the second question, kudos - you're already on my side).
I've gotten many an email with listings of things to ponder....you know...the ones about why you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway. And how it is impossible to lick your elbow. And more importantly, that a pig's orgasm lasts for like 30 minutes. It's one of those emails that you always laugh at and then you may pass it on. Which goes back to my email forwarding theory - when I get a forward from someone, I will bet money that the other chronic forwarders in my family will send me the same thing in a matter of 5 hours. The result - 10 emails about poopy being on lemons on your iced tea in restaurants.
Back to In Sync.....the most recent email I got with these strange ponderings involved synchronized swimming. Not only is synchronized swimming one of the funniest things ever, it's also weird to watch people do the same thing at the same time. It's like looking into a kaleidoscope...you just can help yourself. So, if one person goofs up, do they all goof up? Apparently so.
So, I'm not a bad person. I'm glad these girls are ok. But, let's face it, it is funny that they all did it at the same time while participating in an activity that involves everyone doing the same thing at the same time.
Bye, bye, bye.
This headline made me laugh hysterically:
"Teen Synchronized Swimmers Faint, at the Same Time"
Why, you may ask, is this funny? More importantly, why do I feel guilty for laughing? (If you were asking the second question, kudos - you're already on my side).
I've gotten many an email with listings of things to ponder....you know...the ones about why you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway. And how it is impossible to lick your elbow. And more importantly, that a pig's orgasm lasts for like 30 minutes. It's one of those emails that you always laugh at and then you may pass it on. Which goes back to my email forwarding theory - when I get a forward from someone, I will bet money that the other chronic forwarders in my family will send me the same thing in a matter of 5 hours. The result - 10 emails about poopy being on lemons on your iced tea in restaurants.
Back to In Sync.....the most recent email I got with these strange ponderings involved synchronized swimming. Not only is synchronized swimming one of the funniest things ever, it's also weird to watch people do the same thing at the same time. It's like looking into a kaleidoscope...you just can help yourself. So, if one person goofs up, do they all goof up? Apparently so.
So, I'm not a bad person. I'm glad these girls are ok. But, let's face it, it is funny that they all did it at the same time while participating in an activity that involves everyone doing the same thing at the same time.
Bye, bye, bye.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Comeback Kid
Two things have happened to me this week that I now have the best comeback for. Unfortunately, these moments are now gone and I have the perfect comeback for situations that I hope will never happen to me again.
Sometimes I wish I was the 12 year old girl that could get by on the classic comeback "Yo Mama". Or my best comeback, "Oh yeah," (tosses hair, puts hand on hip, does neckroll), "So?".
Today I was dropping off more stuff I don't need at Goodwill. The drop off for our Goodwill is behind the store, on broken pavement, and between dumpsters. The great part about dropping off things at Goodwill is 1) the tax write off and 2) they are always playing Classic Rock, which really makes you want to jam out while your unloading your crap. The bad part is that the drop off location looks more like a crack rock pick up location. So, I unloaded my crap to some great Lynard Skynard song, got my little tax write off slip, and walked back to my car. This elderly lady (yes, I'm being polite....I really want to call a spade a spade here), got out of her car and said to me "Well, that's a dumb place to park". In the 3 seconds it took me to respond, I had about 55 combinations of curse words go through my mind. What I ended up saying was "I'm sorry (doh! Why was I apologizing?), I'm moving my car now if you'd like to take my spot". I got in my car, slammed the door, and coaxed my middle finger to remain wrapped around the steering wheel. What a jerk! I mean bitch.....I mean *Holey-Moley Who Put A Corn Cob Up Your Butt*. I almost turned the car around to tell that rude woman how....well, rude she is. But no comeback came to me. Two hours later, I'm still angry at this stupid woman for making an unnecessary comment and ruining my Target shopping experience. Of course, that's when what I should have said to her came to me - "Hi, I'm Amber and I'm so sorry that I forgot that my entire existence is to accommodate you. I will sincerely try to work on this in the future. In the meantime, your options are to move your beautiful car into a more accommodating area of this crappy parking lot, or wait until I move so that you can have the princess parking you so deserve". And, of course, if she didn't get the sarcasm in my tone (how could you miss it?), I could break it down for her - "Good Gosh, Bitch! Get over yourself."
And so, this leads me to keep to my new school comebacks that I want to use so badly, but remember them so far after the fact:
1. Get over yourself
2. Oh, I forgot everything was about you.
3. Crap, I hate when I forget that you are the center of the universe.
4. Because it's your job (I have used this a lot at work)
5. (The best one!) Bite me!
So, eat my shorts, kiss my grits, and go take a long walk off a short pier - you jerkface woman at Goodwill. I hope they just throw all your crap in the dumpster!
Honk, Honk, Rattle, Rattle
So, driving to work this week I saw a group of young girls standing on the corner. Geez, man, get your mind out of the gutter. These girls were probably my age (mid-late 20's) and were jumping around with Hillary signs. One of the signs was particularly amusing to me....."Honk for Hillary". Why was this amusing? For one, no one was honking. This wasn't entirely strange, since I assume many people are like me and flip-flop between these two democratic candidates. I don't feel there is a lack of support for Hillary in Central PA - which brings me to the second reason this moment amused me. My peer group of Hillary supporters decided that the best possible place in my town to hold up a Honk sign is on the corner of, possibly, the busiest intersection in my itty-bitty town. At this one stop light at 7:45am, there are 14 driving lanes of traffic (counting turn lanes) that are waiting for the light to change so they can zoom off (at the racing speed of 35 mph) to get to their 8am jobs.
So, can you picture it? What would happen if we had 14 lanes of traffic at 7:45am on a freezing cold Central PA day all honking at each other? Seriously!
Middle fingers would be flying freely.
Honk for safe driving. And, at 7:45am, here's a Honk for really good coffee!
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