The Birds, The Birds

There is a problem at my place of employment. The problem is so huge, in fact, that a special taskforce with the Office of the Physical Plant that has been charged with correcting this problem.
Crows. That's right - crows are apparently taking over. (Hitchcock would be proud and highly amused, I'm sure). I get an email yesterday informing all employees of the procedures involved in "relocating" the birds.
It's not funny that we have a bird problem. It's not funny that they are relocating the birds. What is funny is imagining the taskforce doing what they must do to get the birds to relocate. This amazing group will hence be fondly referred to (by me) as CRAs - Crow Relocation Assistants.

The charge to the CRA is to relocate the crows. The methods of relocation include (as quoted from the official email from my employer):
1. The use of pyrotechnic noisemakers called "bangers" and "screamers" by carefully trained employees.
2. The hanging of dead crow effigies to dissuade the crows from returning.
3. The declaration of "non-roosting" zones in designated areas to promote more sanitary conditions.

At first, this email frightened me as I imagined large fireworks freaking out large flocks of crows that will decide to re-roost, no doubt, on my car. To escape them, I must run across campus (to find a phone booth to hide in, of course) past all of the hanging crow carcasses. Once I receive an email, (hmmm....how will I get the email in my phone booth hideout?) I can find comfort in leisurely walking through a new crow free zone including a slew of "No Roosting" signs - those signs oughta scare 'em off.

I'm waiting for the second phase of the taskforce - the CTP (Crow Ticketing Patrol) to issue tickets to those unruly crows that dare disregard our No Roosting areas. Shame, crows, shame!

After my initial 2.7 seconds of fright, the entire situation became much more amusing. I found myself jealous. Not of these wonderfully trained CRA agents - no, no, no. I was extremely jealous of the employee that was fortunate enough to generate this mass email. They were charged with making a group of crow scarer-off'ers with loud fireworks running around town hanging up dead crows from trees sound like a professional group instead of a group of drunk students on Halloween weekend. Bravo, writer-upper of the mass email - you've successfully amused everyone.

And, by the way, what ever happened to a classic scarecrow? Isn't that their job? I guess he's in the unemployment line with most Americans - his job has been replaced. Or maybe he just quit. If I were a scarecrow and CRA's were around me with pyrotechnic bangers, I sure as hell would quit. I believe they call that a "hostile work environment".

Bye, Bye Blackbird!