Whoa, Baby!!!!

I will be giving birth in the next 8 weeks.
This is such a strange statement. Why?
1. I feel like I'm entirely too young to have a kid (I'm not....my age, marital status, etc. are all in check)
2. I need about 2 years - not just 8 weeks - to feel like I'm organized for this event.
3. Is this really a statement where the word "give" is necessary? What am I giving? It's like a present to the kid....or a gift to me? I'm really weirded out by the term "give birth". ("Give Birth" freaks me out now...."Got Milk" makes me laugh at the moment)

Why would this amuse me? At this point in my well-rounded state, I'm easily amused and equally amazed by people being so freakin' excited about "giving birth". Seriously, people are really into this stuff. Me? I just want to know what the heck is going to happen, how to not freak out or beat up my husband, and what to do with the happy little kiddo when it gets here.

We're currently taking Childbirth Education classes. The plan was to find out the basics.....you know, the whole "What to Expect When You're Expecting" stuff and having a chance to meet other freaked out couples that are interested in talking about creative ways to put on socks or clean the bathtub (both of which are getting close to impossible for me to do on my own). But no, no, no....that is not the goal of Childbirth Education. The goal (from my POV and pregnancy grumpiness) is to make me watch videos of ugly people (circa 1984) giving birth and then try to convince me that I should just get in the shower instead of taking drugs. What? and Ewww! and WHAT?
To illustrate my point, I present the story of the Elk and the Epidural. I've tried to find some little snippet of this video to no avail. It's a story of a mother Elk - using her goddess powers from within - to give birth to her baby elk. But alas, she feels she needs an epidural. (Because it freakin' hurts!) The father Elk and the mouse doula consult with each other to make sure this is what she really wants. (Rule 1 - Never question the pregnant woman...or, um, Elk.) Once they give her the epidural, she must enter Cascade Falls because an epidural sets off a chain of interventions into the natural childbirth process. (I thought we were suppose to get in the shower...Cascade Falls seems like a good idea). The video ends with the entire class with their mouths hanging open. Perhaps some of them were in awe at this wonderful story. My feeling - most were thinking - "Dude, that would have been so much funnier with a beer!". And as a side note, this comes from from a group that call themselves "birth warriors". Wow!

The event of the Elk and the Epidural was a few weeks ago. I thought of it today because of another event happening at our local theatre. We have a showing of "Orgasmic Birth". Really? I'm in my 8 month of pregnancy and the two words I don't want to hear together are "Orgasmic" and "Birth". Here is my brief list of two words that I'd love to hear together.....
Orgasmic Cake
Orgasmic Smoothie
Quick Birth
Happy Birth

The movie "Orgasmic Birth" shows 11 couples giving birth (that's 11 more than I want to see). I can't even watch "A Baby Story" without crying or freaking out....I can't imagine watching 11 episodes back to back.

And did I mention that there will be no mirrors or video cameras in my "birthing room" with my "support person" (aka at the hospital with the hubby).

I'm not a cranky pregnant lady (most of the time) and I really do embrace my womanhood (I wanted to be She-ra growing up). However, I appreciate modern medicine and I have high respect for the doctors and nurses that will be helping our little kiddo come into the world. You never realize how polarizing opinions can be until you throw yourself into the middle of it all. At this point in my roundness, it's very hard (literally and figuratively) to sit on the fence.

We still have more Childbirth Education to come - Hit me, Baby, One More Time!
(PS - Kudos B. Spears on turning 27 and starting to act like it - You're not a girl....and after having 2 kids, you've rocketed to Womanhood)