Sometimes I wish I was the 12 year old girl that could get by on the classic comeback "Yo Mama". Or my best comeback, "Oh yeah," (tosses hair, puts hand on hip, does neckroll), "So?".
Today I was dropping off more stuff I don't need at Goodwill. The drop off for our Goodwill is behind the store, on broken pavement, and between dumpsters. The great part about dropping off things at Goodwill is 1) the tax write off and 2) they are always playing Classic Rock, which really makes you want to jam out while your unloading your crap. The bad part is that the drop off location looks more like a crack rock pick up location. So, I unloaded my crap to some great Lynard Skynard song, got my little tax write off slip, and walked back to my car. This elderly lady (yes, I'm being polite....I really want to call a spade a spade here), got out of her car and said to me "Well, that's a dumb place to park". In the 3 seconds it took me to respond, I had about 55 combinations of curse words go through my mind. What I ended up saying was "I'm sorry (doh! Why was I apologizing?), I'm moving my car now if you'd like to take my spot". I got in my car, slammed the door, and coaxed my middle finger to remain wrapped around the steering wheel. What a jerk! I mean bitch.....I mean *Holey-Moley Who Put A Corn Cob Up Your Butt*. I almost turned the car around to tell that rude woman how....well, rude she is. But no comeback came to me. Two hours later, I'm still angry at this stupid woman for making an unnecessary comment and ruining my Target shopping experience. Of course, that's when what I should have said to her came to me - "Hi, I'm Amber and I'm so sorry that I forgot that my entire existence is to accommodate you. I will sincerely try to work on this in the future. In the meantime, your options are to move your beautiful car into a more accommodating area of this crappy parking lot, or wait until I move so that you can have the princess parking you so deserve". And, of course, if she didn't get the sarcasm in my tone (how could you miss it?), I could break it down for her - "Good Gosh, Bitch! Get over yourself."
And so, this leads me to keep to my new school comebacks that I want to use so badly, but remember them so far after the fact:
1. Get over yourself
2. Oh, I forgot everything was about you.
3. Crap, I hate when I forget that you are the center of the universe.
4. Because it's your job (I have used this a lot at work)
5. (The best one!) Bite me!
So, eat my shorts, kiss my grits, and go take a long walk off a short pier - you jerkface woman at Goodwill. I hope they just throw all your crap in the dumpster!
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